An Uncomfortable Self Portrait

I took this quick self-portrait with my phone at my studio last week and I post with reluctance and resistance. I don’t like pictures of myself not smiling and looking at this makes me uncomfortable. There are the pictures we feel safe sharing and those we don’t, which means there’s something in us we’re rejecting. There’s a part of me who thinks, who do you think you are? You aren’t pretty enough to show this side without hiding behind a smile. Are you worthy of being seen like this? But I don’t listen to those voices anymore and it’s how I like to photograph other women. I believe in doing the things I encourage others to do so I post even though I don’t want to. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I once had a photographer say to me, you’re a portrait photographer so you can pose yourself, right? Wrong. I feel self-conscious and awkward and don’t know what to do with my mouth. I can guide the women I photograph through all these things but without seeing myself (even with a mirror) and lack of outside perspective, it’s hard to do for myself. But that’s okay because I truly believe that no matter how we show up in pictures, there is value and we can learn something about ourselves. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Photography is a powerful tool for self-reflection so let’s reflect, shall we? When I look at this picture, I see some discomfort, self-consciousness and a bit of withdrawal with the way my body language is a bit closed and pulled back. But I also see a strong commitment to curiosity. I see the contradiction of the fear of being seen coupled with being unafraid of self-examination.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This picture does not feel safe or comfortable but I will look at it until I learn to recognize that this side has value, no matter what those voices say or my fear of what others may think. Practice what you preach, I remind myself. ⠀