When I stopped hiding

Exactly 3 years ago today, I released the very first issue of my newsletter. I wrote it as I began emerging from the darkest period in my life when I was struggling with the guilt and shame of hating and regretting the child I had adopted. It felt like I was at the bottom of a dark, deep well with no way out. I felt hopeless and like I was dying. You wouldn’t know it though from the outside because I was so good at pretending.

It wasn’t until by fate, I happened to see a women’s portrait photographer speak and it stirred something in me. It led to a series of actions, led by my gut, which led me to my friend Jessica McClure with whom I shared my feelings. She ended up including me on a piece she wrote about vulnerable connection. She wrote,

“And lastly, the woman who wants to know if she will ever love her adopted child. She, who is dedicated to coming out of the closet on the difficulties of adoption and drop the facade that everything is always perfect. In the process, she hopes to find love not only for her child, but for the woman that she has become, the one who feels broken and bitter and angry and lost, though to view her you would think she strong, creative, dependable and loving.”

In that first newsletter issue, I shared Jessica’s piece and outed myself, revealing all the shame I’d been carrying. I couldn’t bear the weight any longer. It began the journey where I took off my armor, piece by piece, and as I released each issue, I delved ever deeper and into darker spaces in myself. I didn’t hold anything back and and over the processing of events and feelings I had spent a lifetime avoiding, I reconnected with my true self 3 months later…it’s been a process of meeting myself again and again ever since.

I tell my son all the time that he helped me reconnect with my true self. I think back to who I was then and know that I had never lost that part of me. We never lose our true selves. She is always in there no matter how long ago we lose touch, quietly waiting for you to unearth her beneath the layers of guilt, shame and self-judgment we carry around.

My newsletter doesn’t come out as often now because I have less to process but it is the space where I seek my truth. I didn’t know then why I felt so compelled to start it but later saw its purpose – that by witnessing that process, you can find a little bit of your truth too.

Photo by Nathan Martins from Pexels