You Will Find Yourself Again

“I feel like no matter what I do, there is something missing inside of me.”⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This is what my son told me as we talked about his anger and sadness and why he acts out the way he does. Ever since we adopted him as a one year old a decade ago, he’s been on the go, ever moving, never stopping, unable to sit in stillness. It wasn’t until I started my healing journey and exploring the inner self that I recognized this was his way of coping with the traumatic loss of his birthmother. It is a lot for a child to have to carry, let alone an adult.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I remember my aunt telling me as I was getting ready to leave Korea with my second son after finalizing in adoption court, “Don’t worry. He’s too young to remember anything.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I think that’s how a lot of people think…that if we don’t remember, suppress or avoid thinking about the traumatic things that have happened to us, they won’t impact us. But that’s not how it works and we can’t run away from it. Trauma is imprinted in our bodies and until we process it, it will manifest in ways we can’t control and keep us from reconnecting to our true selves.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I wish I could fill that emptiness my son has in him. While that may not be possible, I can encourage him to stop running and help him face and process his pain. I realize so much of my journey is about learning to accept and be comfortable with my own pain, sadness and anger so I can do the same for my sons and hopefully teach them how.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I think how my son feels is how many of us feel at times. The key is to stop running away, allow ourselves to process by feeling it all and remembering that “nothing is infinite, not even loss. You are made of the sea and the stars and one day, you are going to find yourself again.”⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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You will find yourself again, my beloved son.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash.